In short, my life has been pretty boring, pretty routine, for most of my sixteen years. The slightly standoffish, awkward girl who read a lot, was very immature, and didn't really have all that many friends, living her life. School, dance class on again off again, going to concerts in the park in Summer, same summer camp every year, going to the beach for every vacation. I'm not saying it was bad, I'm just saying it was boring. Not only that, I never really let myself have fun. Well, not fun necessarily, but I never went out and did things. I stuck in that same old routine for years, not changing much at all. I didn't stir the pot, didn't do anything new. Eighth grade came and went, I'd started dressing for me. I was still really in my shell, but I was doing my best to hide it. Before that year, I'd tried to fit in, tried to blend, tried to look like everyone else. But then I was dressing for myself, trying to be a little more out of the box. I knew that's what I wanted, to be different than everyone else. I was, I realize now, but I tried not to be. I thought it'd be easier just to be someone else, again, not to stir the pot. Of course, now that I've done it, being me is obviously easier, but I didn't know that. Ninth grade came and I grew into myself a little bit more. Went to a new summer camp that year. That pushed me a little bit more. On the last day of camp though, I got the news that my mom and I were moving to where we live now. I was a little sad, obviously. I'd lived in the same town all my life. But I started thinking, what did I really have to lose? I have one good friend still there, my friend John. I mean, I have other people there that I like, but no one I'd really call a friend anymore. Sorry if this offends anyone. No actually, not really.
So in the past year and whatever, I've been being more me. I came into the school I'm in in 10th grade, last year. It's an odd school. Small, K-12 and 120+ students. There's a lot of freedom there, the classes are fun, if unusual, and it's a Christian school, so I get that too. I mean, last year in our elective semester, I taught an acting/improv class to the middle school. At what other school can a 15 year old do that? In any case, I've started dressing, and being, for myself more. But my revelations that were the catalysts to this post came about this year. After the school year started, I think. Alexa from Stilettos and Jua De Vivre and her brother Julian moved within walking distance from me, and I grouped together closer with my friends Susannah and Meg. A new friend too, Caleb, moved here at the beginning of the school year and he has taken the place as my confidant, whether he knows it or not, along with Alexa. But I digress. I've started doing more, trying more, and as a result just simply having more fun. I still read, I'm still a little awkward, but there's definitely been some changes.
I'm more free than I was. I don't care what people think of me, I don't care if they stare. In fact, I hope they do. I want people to see true freedom. I'm by no no means the most free, or the most confident chick around, but I'm close. I say what I think and feel, and I'm done letting people walk over me. I will try not to be a jerk about it, but I'll tell you what I think. I'm letting go of the people and things that make me uncomfortable or hinder me in my life. I'm getting stronger, and I'm getting better. I'm doing what I want. I'm kayaking, painting, singing, planning, writing, creating, and run/walk/dancing. Which, by the way, started out as a run and turned into dancing to my music as I ran or walked. People stare, but it's fine. Because I'm having fun. That's all I want in life. I want to have fun in whatever I do. I'm doing what I have to to become free. To be wild. I want adventure. I want love. I want experiences. I want encounters. I want miracles. I want LIFE. And now, I'm grabbing it with both hands, and holding on tight. I'm not letting it go, and I'm going to live it as well as I can. As well as I know how. I just read a book with two good quotes in it. I doubt they're original to the author, but I like them all the same.
"Everything we do, we do for the first time."
"Perhaps my best years are gone. But I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now."
Now, the years gone by certainly weren't my best, but I still don't want them back. They weren't all bad, I repeat, but they weren't my best, certainly. The fire inside of me is driving me forward, to be better, and to live better. Every day goes so quickly now, because I'm happy. I'm not content, certainly not. I want so much more that what I'm living now. But I'm happy until I can get to that place. I'm happy because even if I do something two days in a row, like come home and immediately start reading, I'm different when I do it. I've just finished reading The Catcher in the Rye, which is very good, but there isn't really a point. I mean, I could give you a summary about the plot, but couldn't tell you what it was about. It's interesting, in that way. But anyways, The main character, Holden, is thinking about the fact that he used to go to this museum every Saturday. He's thinking how the museum is that same whenever you go, but you change from what you experience in everyday life. I believe that. I believe you are formed by your experiences. Every waking moment contributes to who you are in some way. That's a lot of pressure.
I guess the point of this is, as I'm gathering my thoughts, that if you don't live for yourself, for who you want to be, for the fun you want to have, then you're wasting your time. If you're geing to stay in the same old routine, not trying things, not putting yourself out there, not being you, then you're not being you. You may be awesome, or you may not be everyone's cup of tea, but you've still got to be and live for you. If you don't, no one will be you. You're letting yourself die, because you're not letting yourself grow. And growth is the only way to have a fulfilling life. We only have a short time, we have to make it count. And in closing, that's what I'm trying my best to do now. To live. I'll let you know how it goes.